Reader,
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I'm just about to sit down to continue to reflect on all of the shifts, changes, and synchronicities that unfolded in 2022, a process I started in the last days before Christmas, (Part I is here). Rather than setting SMART goals or new year resolutions for 2023, I’ve simply chosen a word to embody this year - ‘Magic’, and decided to ask myself seven questions (More here ) so I focus on the journey and stay in the moment rather than fixate on the destination and outcome.
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Close to my heart is the deepening of my ritual of looking back and reflecting on the transformations that came along so slowly I barely noticed them as they were happening. This approach came out of my constantly shifting relationship with and experience of Time.
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Initially, I used to see Time as an arrow that moved only forward in a single direction. It is objective, measurable, and undeniably linear: Step 2 follows step 1, and there was a moment I was born, and a moment I will, at some point, die. This was problematic, because, evidently, some moments, waiting in line at the post office, seem excruciatingly long; others, spent teaching, or in the company of dear friends, seem to fly by. Most peculiar of all is the feeling of deja vu- the uncanny feeling of time looping back into itself.
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I had been holding on to this unanswered question in my heart for many years, until I discovered, first, the cyclical approach to running a business through Manuel, my mentor from a entrepreneurship program. Experiencing the changing of Autumn to Winter, and Winter to Spring, something foreign to me, having lived in the equator for all of my life, I was mesmerized. I started to see and experience the cycles not only outside of me, but also through my intimate physiology as a woman: my menstrual cycle.
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So then, perhaps time is a cycle, a circle? I thought to myself. As a visual person, I tried to map this cycle to help understand the workings of time, to better forecast and navigate the future. In the Red School's Menstruality Leadership Program we were told to visualise ourselves within our four seasons of the menstrual cycle, and though many others saw themselves as stepping into a circle with four quadrants, or a sphere, I saw looping 3-dimensional paths. In the felt experience of time passing, I found myself retracing my footsteps, returning to similar processes, events, realising only each time not only things have changed, but so have I.
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Finally, I arrived at a working visual map of time as a 3 Dimensional growth spiral, the most beloved and well known being perhaps the golden ratio? I like to see time and myself as a wave growing and expanding infinitely, returning to my ocean nature. Probably in 2, 5, 10 years if you asked me again, my answer would differ, but for now, this map of time, of life unfolding, repeating over and over in an ongoing feedback loop, giving us the opportunity to retrace our steps and yet expand and grow each time really resonates with me.

According to the lunar calendar, this cycle has not yet ended; Spring has yet to arrive. This 12th lunar month maps on to the last 2 hour bracket, (1-3am) in the meridian clock, governed by the Liver, the ‘Official of planning’. Being Jan 2023 it’s tempting to dive directly into planning and visioning the year (and some of us have already got it all mapped out). But each of the twelve months also correspond to a specific element, and as the 3rd, bridging month of the last quarter, in addition to being of the Water element as it is Winter, this month is also governed by the Earth element, the energy and element that transmutes and holds it all together.
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It’s no coincidence that Earth’s virtue is 思, often translated as contemplation or rumination, and it’s resulting effect or power is 化, transformation or transmutation. For me, this is a reminder that the practice of reflecting on who and where I was before feeds into and supports my transformation and growth. And if I loop back to where I was, this time in 2022, 2021, 2020, or even long, long before, in 2011, an entire 12 year cycle before, what do I remember?
Who was I? What were my dreams, hopes, struggles?
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In Jan 2022, I realized self-fortification was insufficient - I had to complete it by allowing myself to surrender to Life. Finally, I could tell my story, what I was searching for and where I longed to be. I knew who I was and my role in the world. I was ambitious: As the year started I rushed in, taking on too many things on, and later on losing steam. (more on the blog here)
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From Jan 2019 - 2021, I was an artist exhibiting at Singapore Art Week, who saw my work as a calling to serve the world, to invite questions to understand ourselves better. Then, exploring paths and was torn between two identities - an artist and an embodied movement educator. The pandemic broke out, disrupting all my in-person opportunities and plans. In response I dived online and my identity and relationship with the world shifted again. I promised to fortify myself and support others to become unshakeable.
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In Jan 2018, I was on sabbatical, in the company of other kindred spirits, contributing to a movement-spirituality-visual art project, Without Borders project. Later that year, in order to answer the question I had been asking all my life (Who am I?) without any plan, I would leave my first and only full-time job, seven years in healthcare market research, and move abroad alone to explore other identities and possible paths for myself.
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From Jan 2015-2017, I thought I might get married to my boyfriend of four years, and live the life that most people I knew were living. Secretly I longed for life, for myself to be something more. When the relationship abruptly ended, I felt abandoned, but I also felt set free. I could now become anyone I wanted to be, I could now live any life I wanted.
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From Jan 20211 to Jan 2014, I was travelling frequently as a market research executive, sharing time with friends with a common love of film photography, and was in my first romantic relationship, all things I had hoped and dreamed of. But I felt most alive, and yet incredibly alone when I was travelling - each time I was away from home it felt like I could touch the world, and see into myself a little bit better.
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Looking back I can see all the breadcrumb trails that have led me to where I am, here, now, writing to myself, and writing to you. I can see all the detours, the 'mistakes', the unexpected situations and how I have grown and changed. A part of me is tempted to dive into the future, but most of me is content just being here, in the present while reminiscing, reflecting on lessons learnt, in gratitude for gifts received in the past.
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With the winter solstice and 2022 behind us, perhaps you feel the small flame quickening inside you: the birth of Yang in the deep Yin of winter’s dark. The anticipation of the lengthening days and the bright growth of spring. But don’t - don’t rush past the nurturing embrace of Yin. Like the seeds in the soil, continue to embrace the darkness, because in this void lies the limitless potential to invite in magic. I invite you to join me this week to dwell a little longer in the darkness of Yin. And if you'd like to, next Saturday 21 Jan, to shake, clear, ground, flow and come into stillness in Qigong Meditation on InsightTimer.

Do you remember when you wished for what you have now?
Who were you ? Where were you then?
Can you see breadcrumb trail that led you to who you are now?